20SB Debates No. 1: To tell, or not to tell?
Saturday, December 15, 2007
This is the first of a fortnightly debate on Twenty Something Bloggers that I'll be participating in. If you want to be linked at the bottom, leave a comment here or click on the question to be taken to the discussion page.

Would you tell your friend if you didn't like his/her partner?

Actually, at the moment I don't like the boyfriend that my best friend Leah's boyfriend...at all. The thing about Leah is that this is her first 'serious' relationship (out of two), and the first one where she knew she wanted to be with him to begin with. During our uni days she was the wild one, always going out and meeting new boys and having several one night stands that didn't mean anything, and she didn't care about it. It wasn't a lack of self-esteem thing, it was more of a "I can do it, so why not?" attitude.

So the fact that she really likes this guy and claims to be in love and that it's been more than 3 months, are all reason as to why I really want to like this guy. Too bad he's kind of an asshole.

The first time I met him he barely even said hi before he got up and went somewhere else; the second time he didn't really say much but was ok, bought myself and another girl friend a drink and I chatted to him for maybe 3 minutes before him and Leah left to another club; and the third time was at a friend's birthday dinner. I was outside having a cigarette with one of my friends and he came out and since I knew he smoked, asked if he wanted one, but he just kinda glanced at me and was like "I don't smoke that shit anymore" and walked back into the restaurant. WTF? A simple "No, thanks" would have sufficed, especially since I was clearly "smoking that shit".

Plus, I know he's a major pothead and it's not like pot is that much better for your throat/lungs. So whatever.

For the most part I just try to ignore that he's Leah's boyfriend, and don't really say anything when she brings him up. I still love her to bits but since he moved to HK we don't really see each other that often, mostly because every time I ask her to do something she wants to check with him and see what he's doing first. Which is kind of annoying, but he is pretty much her first love so I understand why she's like that.

Ugh.

The reason I choose not to say anything is because before all this happened, my other friend started dating a guy I don't really like, and she knew that I didn't like him. I think she felt bad for liking him when a ton of her friends don't, and I don't want to make a friend feel that uncomfortable again. So since then I've shut up and just kept it to myself. After all, she's the one dating him, not me. (Thank God.)

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For other bloggers' opinions, click below:

Lee Doyle
Maxie

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posted by Jess | the Jess Journals at 8:19 AM |



8 Comments:
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At December 15, 2007 at 11:00 PM, Blogger  said:
Do you think maybe she is now moving on and growing up a bit with relationships and this could be why you sort of don't like him? He is taking your friend away and now both your lives have to change because he is now #1 and she does things with him instead of you?
 



At December 16, 2007 at 1:38 AM, Blogger Jess | the Jess Journals said:
I've actually thought about that, but the answer is no. I don't mind that she's always with him, like I said in the post I totally understand that she'd want to be with him all the time.

If a good guy had taken her away, I wouldn't mind half as much, but he isn't. Anyway, her last boyfriend was also a really good friend of mine and I didn't have anything against their relationship at all.
 



At December 16, 2007 at 12:05 PM, Blogger  said:
Well that's good, I did think by your post that he was a bit of a dick but just wanted to ask the question.

This is what is happening with my girlfriends friend at the moment. My girlfriend gets mad at her best friend because she is always spending time with her boyfriend... I think girls hate change and hate it when people start to turn into someone else.

Have you told her any of this?
 



At December 17, 2007 at 6:24 PM, Blogger Princess Pointful said:
Sometimes I wonder if girls who have never really dated somehow exclusively before don't have the slightest clue how a boyfriend is supposed to treat them...
 



At December 17, 2007 at 6:55 PM, Blogger  said:
That's a very good point, but the same could be said for us guys too. I think alot of people see "going out" and relationships as easy and do not see the give and take and hard work that can go into a good relationship. Its not all easy, but the hard times sometimes do work out as the best times as you learn so much from them.

This is why I think sometimes people think a boyfriend or girlfriend is bad for someone but really their now. Its just we only see the bad things and see that this person has changed but really now the couple are one and change to suit each other... This is what outsiders do not see.
 



At December 18, 2007 at 8:51 AM, Blogger Lisa said:
The comments were as interesting as your post. Fun stuff. Personally, I would. But it would take me days to weeks to spit it out. Well, now anyway. I'm brutally frank and when I say it in one go, I lose friends.

P.S. Your friend's boyfriend does sound like a dick.
 



At December 18, 2007 at 11:17 AM, Blogger Cocaine Princess said:
Of course if there is some type of mental/physical abuse then one needs to speak up. I don't understand why some women allow themselves to be treated badly or why they are blind to it. Maybe self-esteem issues. Sometimes the boyfriend can make matters worse by turning two best friends against each other. Do you watch the MTV Reality show The Hills? Two best friends Heidi and Lauren. Heidi begins dating a total a-hole named Spencer. Lauren tells Heidi how she doesn't trust Spencer and that he's a womanizer who is playing mind games with her and is slowly trying to control every aspect of her life. Heidi decides to tell Spencer what Lauren said. Spencer informs Heidi that Lauren is jealous etc. To make matters worse he spreads a nasty rumor. He denies it but it is confirmed by a reliable source that he is the one who spread it. When Lauren calls him on it he flat out denies it and Heidi defends Spencer. See, Spencer knows that Lauren knows what kind of person he is and that is why he is doesn't want Heidi to be friends with her. He is able to break up Lauren and Heidi by turning them against one another. Spencer's friends still associate with Lauren. He tells those people that if they continue to talk to Lauren, he is no longer friends with them. They all side with Lauren. Heidi basically becomes isolated and under Spencer's control. He forbids her from talking to anyone associated with Lauren. He even checks her emails. Heidi finally comes to her senses and she and Spencer break up. Whether she is friends again with Lauren, I won't know tell next season. But what I do know is Lauren feels hurt because Heidi didn't trust her. Whether this is a true reality show or if it is all acting (as some people say it is) things like this do happen in real life.

I don't know how long you have been reading my blogs but I was dating someone, Senor Bling and I broke up with him because of something he did really bad. Later on I was ready to forgive him but thankfully my best friend knocked some sense into me and made me see things for what they really are.
 



At December 19, 2007 at 8:29 AM, Blogger Jess | the Jess Journals said:
Lee: You're definitely right that even if someone is horrible, sometimes that's what our friends need to go through, and that it's part of the life experience. Plus, no one ever REALLY knows what goes on in a relationship except the 2 people in it, which is also why I try to refrain from saying anything, b/c I gotta respect my friend's decision.

Princess Pointful: Yeah, that could be part of it...but then my friend did have a really good relationship w/the last guy, but I think that's cause he was way more into her than she was into him, plus generally he was just a really good guy! I feel like in this relationship she wants it more than him - in fact, on Saturday when we were all out he even tried breaking up with her and she pretty much didn't let him, which was kinda weird...I still don't have all the details though...

Cocaine Princess: I love The HIlls! Have been following it religiously, haha. But yes I totally see what you mean about Heidi/Spencer and Lauren - Heidi totally let herself get sucked in to that relationship, as much as her friends tried to stop her, and now as a result doesn't have any real friends anymore. It's kind of sad, really. I've read your blog, but you never mentioned what it was Senor Bling did to you...still, I'm glad you have great friends to help you through things :)